recent author's stories

showing all 30 stories written by alittlebitdarkorange

Sob Story

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving happens only when I feel hungry for fat tofurkey and potatoes. "Mmmmm," said my turkey. "I always eat tofurkey for Thanksgiving, and later I feel super sleepy and a dire need for therapy." It flapped its wings and gobbled up the vegetable poultry with gusto, as onlookers cried out desperately in horror. "That's cannibalism! Don't you know that is real turkey?!" The turkey lifted his beak and spat furiously, spraying bits of bird all over the onlookers. "I am tired and depressed. It was more delicious than any dream I've ever imagined." He then wept like the dickens. "Sob."

Our Last Stand

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on August 6, 2011

'Watch out for creepers!' I shouted frantically at Bahizdala Jones. She spun wildly around, her long robes whipping dervishly in the morning dew, causing millions of tiny forest creepers to scatter in every direction. Bahizdala swiftly recomposed herself and drew her broadswords, eyes blazing as fiercely as her incarnadine hair. Whenever she looked at me, I felt such fear that we might not survive this maddening ordeal, but I knew the creepers would perish if Bahizdala's powers were utilized to their most extreme capacity. Her arms quivered as she raised both blades, and then with terrifying ferocity she spoke: 'Together.'

How Henry Ruined 'Puppies Day'

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on June 18, 2011

"Spin those suckers around until they go into my secret spot," I mimed towards Henry. 'Puppies Day' usually went like this. Henry remained complacent, gently stroking the nearest basket handle, disregarding the tiny fluffy Dachshund inside. The Dachshund spun itself halfheartedly, and tumbled wumbled away into a bottomless bramble. This caused Henry to vomit enthusiastically, which was honestly the most abhorrent response imaginable. I immediately threw down my secret special spot and stormed out of the fairgrounds, leaving a pile of disheartened Dachshunds behind, whimpering and whining like only abandoned Dachshunds can. This was the worst 'Puppies Day' ever. EVER!

The Sweet Father

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on April 2, 2011

Sorry to break this pattern of betrayal, but I really need to be faithful just this once. I ate several whoopie pies that were sitting on the church pew yesterday. I stuffed each pie into my gluttonous frothy maw with fervor unmatched. But still, despite the deliciousness, I feel such remorse that Father Wilkinson worked so diligently and religiously. He is so talented and caring and yet I stole his pies. How do I repent?! I took selfishly and I ate shamefully! Today I have plans to find out where he bakes his sweets and give him a frosting-covered smooch.

Valentine's Massacre

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on February 18, 2011

Today was Valentine's Day! Naturally, I felt depressed. So I wandered toward Kmart equipped with two peacocks and one donkey named Dolphus IV. My sedan was packed full of fireworks so powerful that I couldn't risk speeding, so instead I chugged along at a grand old speed akin to molasses in molasses. When we finally arrived at Kmart we arranged for our own spectacular entrance. Dolphus IV climbed atop my sedan while cheering like Tarzan. The employees promptly retreated at once and went to hibernate. Peacocks abhor hibernation, so they ignited the fireworks, which cascaded and made glorious midday carnage.

That Last Rat

By bluesprinkles and alittlebitdarkorange on December 19, 2010

It was the wettest boat I had ever stowed away on. It poured down lemonade for 17 weeks and by the time it stopped my pants had the squishiest consistency of moldy bread soaked for 17 weeks in lemonade. Needless to say, my delight in citrus infused items caused me to scream freakishly at the rats when they tried to bite my 'buns'. I finally got off the wettest lemonadiest barge and wrung my pants out on 17 rats, drowning about 16 of them. "What do I taste like now I have lemonadeless nether-regions?" I screamed at that last rat.

Basement Thursdays

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on February 25, 2010

Thursday is the Friday of Bangladesh. On this day a spectacular event occurs weekly at 9:05 in my basement. You don't want to know how bad it smells afterwards. But during it, lemme tell ya, it is like a beauteous sparkling cylindrical pipe-bomb event. WOW! just thinking about it makes my heart thump and pump double-time. Honestly it's arguably the most popular event in the world. I cordially invite you to join me but make sure you bring an umbrella and a extra pair of pants. It is a matter of life and death. I'm going to prep the piggies.

Not in the Caves of Nickeldime

By bluesprinkles and alittlebitdarkorange on November 11, 2009

It boggles my mind that poor Ickbert survived the great balloon explosion of 1993. It was the most explosive balloon explosion of the decade, and Ickbert flew slowly out towards the supernova in a blaze of balloon lust and foolish flailing of limbs. His hair lit on fire when he breezed by the town oil refinery and his fiery locks brushed against a circus elephant that was inexplicably covered in petroleum.

Amazingly, Ickbert's flight trajectory didn't land him in the Caves of Nickeldime where the balloon ended up, but instead in a pit filled with jello and aftershave. How fortunate.

Faux Friend Crow Foe

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on November 9, 2009

Crows have two methods of dismantling their foes. The first is by far the more gruesome method as in the end, the victim has no kneecaps. The second method is fun, believe me, as in the end the victim has extra kneecaps.

If you are ever given kneecaps from a crow, be on your guard because it means you're probably going to need a pair of kneecaps since the crow will take yours. This is the reason you should always double up on pants. The best mode of defense is eating enough crows to diminish their numbers... But don't. Yuck.

Empty-Bellied Spontaneity

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on November 7, 2009

Spontaneity should never be initiated after prolonged periods of starvation. The problem with empty-bellied spontaneity is there's simply no room for thoughts when all you can think about is bacon and burgers. This digression leads to blind rage usually followed by a stabbing. This proves the original saying, "A stabbing goes further than a steak."

Poor fools that do not heed this advice will end up in a nuthouse. One such fool actually thought that nuthouses were full of real nuts. Poor guy was sorely, hungrily, and nuttily disappointed.

Maybe we should change the way we handle hungry impulsive fools.

Tuberculosis Contest

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on November 6, 2009

Tuberculosis consumes over ten billion pieces of phlegm every second, but I am not a piece of phlegm so I don't worry too much about that. What I do worry about is how I might get a chance to get my hands on some of that sweet phlegm.

I've been obsessed with mucus for seventy minutes and love its slimy disposition. A dream of mine is to hold a contest to see who can stuff the most chunky phlegm into their pockets and run into my basement (and back again) before the tuberculosis gets their pants all tuberculosisy and consumptiony.

Overbearing Dragon Grandmother

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on November 6, 2009

"My good lord, Miley. How can you possibly keep such good posture while doing the funky chicken?" asked Jeremiah Statesenskiser the third son of the crown-touting Prince of Winchstenshyer.

"Well," said Miley. "My grandmother was a dragon and she spent a long time standing on a cliff with fifteen villagers trying to get her egg while distracting her by hunching like demented hags. She therefore had a lot of practice noticing the curves of a badly shaped spine and as a result every time I exhibited bad posture she would blow fiery balls of gasoline at my face until ignition."

Retirement

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on November 5, 2009

Flabby baby Jeremy waddled quickly towards the umbrella in the corner of the Pretzel Pantry. Stupid kids! Not thinking of the better pastries, but always settling for umbrellas. Ironically, Jeremy planned on eating the umbrella stand and using the umbrella as a utensil. Jeremy was fond of all types of nonsensical nonsense and only thought about his flubbering mischief.

"Gimme that tootsie pop gimme gimme more, Pops! Right now!" demanded Jeremy. Pops looked forlorn and was disappointed in his own stupidity. He shouldn't have let Jeremy live. Maybe if he moved to the Dominican borderlands, he could finally sleep peacefully.

Cephalopods

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on November 4, 2009

Squitzerland is an enemy of Switzerland. It has a big army of octopi employed by coercion which means that any time now, the intelligent beasts will probably ally with the pansies in the Alps.

When inky spears find their way into Switzerland, you must remember that wise Swiss saying: "I will go to McDonald's, but I will not order beef." No Squiss has ever killed less than thirteen thousand Swiss cows. The saying almost makes sense, but Swiss folk logic never really makes that much sense, so "interpretation is left up to the cows".

Dang, darn, here them Squits a'comin.

Dangers of the UCC

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on November 4, 2009

Stars make some people anxious but others are more relaxed about their glitter so they light incense while praying to the 'gods astral'. I don't care about any cosmic tomfoolery like that. Instead, my obsession lies in Underground Curling Competitions.

The most interesting part of illegal UCC events is that most participants neglect to even learn the rules! But that doesn't matter because really it is so dark down there that no one even knows what happens amidst the sweaty toiling bodies of curlers.

Unfortunately, I have lost my right arm and won't be able to participate any time soon.

Wikipedia Stub on Monkey Revolt

By catie and alittlebitdarkorange on November 4, 2009

Millions upon millions of monkeys once ran the New World. It would have worked fine except whenever a banana came into the picture the chief monkey would order his parliament to destroy it before anyone else heard about it. As a result, all monkeys became emaciated and vicious and delusional. This trend led to the proletariat revolt of 1844 (in terms of monkey lord). The last bloody battle was to determine the fate of humans and their place in the balance of power. It didn't ever end and still continues today in remote banana-y regions of Southern and Eastern Canada.

Italian Food

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on August 25, 2009

"Today was quite unusual," thought Marcus as he dunked another baby into the vat of thick marinara and licked his lips. The baby squealed with delight as its toes began to melt away with the pleasant sensation, but Marcus punched it in the fat face and kept plunging it deeper and deeper into the hot gurgling sauce until it drowned.

Marcus's favorite after dinner snack was Italian spiced baby and meatballs made from more babies. He normally ate them with puppy but today all he could scrounge was some stale bunny which needed seasoning.

Yes, today was quite unusual indeed.

Turkeybrochen

By alittlebitdarkorange and catie on June 2, 2007

Five round turkeys wobbled back towards the den. As they got close a giant bowl headed down the sunlit path, full to the brim with deliciously gooey franzbrochen.

"Ahhhhhh! I would fly to that pastry if I weren't so round and my belly was not dragging in mud!" said Squaker, the roundest draggiest turkey.

"Ahhhhhh!" echoed the other turkeys. "But you LOVE franzbrochen!"

"You have no honor to refuse my German diet!" shouted Squaker.

"ENOUGH!" yelled the bowl. "I am very disappointed and delicious and gooey and not forgiving!" With that, it picked up all the turkeys and ate them!

Toothbrush Tales

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on September 24, 2006

There was nineteen hundred billion million times that Shreef ran around the village with a toothbrush on his belt loop. He enjoyed poking little animals and tickling townschildren with the bristly head.

His mother did not understand Shreef's predilection for molestation via toothbrush, but she acquiesced and bought him nine valuepaks of brushes weekly. Soon the pile of used toothbrushes got so smelly that Shreef's nose started to melt, so his mother cut his head off.

Later the townschildren went over to Shreef's house and ripped apart his decapitated body while throwing away all his toothbrushes. Shreef's mother was confused.

Mountains of Edibles

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on November 5, 2004

"Thank you for the enormous carrots and parakeet food," said Bilbosh the giant bunny like parakeet, as mountains of edibles poured onto his front lawn.

The sales horse whinnied and drove away with a grin and a secret. What Bilbosh didn't know was that the carrots had been seasoned with chocolate death poison acid sprinkles.

But what the carrots didn't know was that Bilbosh had already spent years fattening himself up on other goodies, and was not interested in noshing. His plan actually consisted of arranging pesky houseflies into rows, and stabbing their noses with carroty flashes of sweet JESUS.

Tukery

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on October 2, 2004

Turkeys have many practical uses. I personally know of only seventeen, all of which I recommend in my book, "Turkeys in Your Socks and Gravy in Your Eye; Why Did Old Men Choose Such Poultry Traditions and How Did This Silliness Ever Penetrate the Souls of the Poor Lower Class Hispanic Children of Turkey?"

My book is a sham because I'm only 12 years old and also I am a turkey, so obviously I'm unable to take an objective view on the sick practices that North Americans have adopted around my species.

If you have any problems, don't ask me.

Jelly and Horseradish

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on October 1, 2004

When Dorothy leaped into the vat of jelly, the villagers rejoiced and sang all night. Afterwards, they forgot about her and she cried until dawn.

The next day, Dorothy exploded.

The town gathered all of the entrails and made a decorative gooey piñata just for the hell of it.

This made Pedro very hungry, so he grabbed his fork and knife and dug a hole in the ground and speared a gopher and then smeared drippy horseradish all over its tiny toes. The smell of Dorothy wafted over, and Pedro's nostrils exploded with orgasm. He never tasted better gopher toes.

Food Bites

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on August 26, 2004

"Cheese and crackers!" called Franco to the busy Himalayan mountainside. It was too hot for selling snacks on that summer morning, but Franco needed a new mule to roam the countryside and spread happiness in the form of cheesy treats. None of the villagers or their cats were especially interested, so Franco threw a pointy cracker at the fattest cat.

"EAT THIS TASTY FOOD BITE" he yelled with furious deliciousness. The cat began to chomp the cracker but it tasted like feet so the cat ate Franco instead. The villagers rejoiced and later enjoyed a feast of fat cat struedel.

Marvin

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on June 30, 2004

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" cried Marvin Pancake as he leaped across the highway. A meteor brushed through his pants and flamed onto everything. In a flash, Marvin turned into a crispy M&M and flew alongside the meteor. Marvin held out a hand, groping for the edge of the meteor, but missed and exploded into fifty google PLEX piecies!

"OUCH!" said the people who watched him from balconies. "He exploded!!!!!"

And in twenty days, and twenty nights, the piecies reformed into Marvin!

The moral of the story is, "Don't let the meteor explode, flame, or graze your hiney, because piecies might be Marvin Pancake."

White Boys

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on March 7, 2004

Josephus skipped his history class and skipped his way to the zoo. First he bought three ice cream tigers, and one gumdrop toucan.

Bouncing into the place where you look at the polar fishies and swimming bears, Josephus licked his tiger twice and chomped his toucan contentedly."

"Yum," said the old white man who stared from the corner. "Give me a tiger."

Josephus laughed and walked awkwardly to the exit. "You will NOT get your treat from THIS small Catholic boy's fingers." He crammed the remaining tigers into his pants and fed the toucan to the polar fishies.

White boys.

Alfonso's Triumph

By alittlebitdarkorange and smname on February 4, 2004

The chord stricken by Alfonso was sickening.

Warm vibrations made audience members cringe like a group cringing.

Alfonso turned up his volume. "There! You people shall burn in Vobratto!"

At that picosecond, an egret sounded from the rafters and swooped down and ate Alfonso's soul.

People gasped, but the crazy egret didn't. "Listen to me! I will devour all of your faces OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly, ANOTHER egret climbed through the church chimney and shot the first egret with blinding speed.

Alfonso, soul-less, and with a sharp intuition, grabbed his mallet and smacked the second egret REALLY loudly with unquestionably strong Vobratto.

Purgatory

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

Oysters are what everyone wanted that cold and quiet evening, but all we had was clams.

Wet, juicy, poisoned, yet delicious as jam on more jam, clams.

We never expected death.

After the death, I felt satisfaction, but wondered what else I could've eaten that might have given me an extra zing in the pants. But that's just the dream.

Now I'm in purgatory, and I haven't yet seen a single one of my fellow poisonees anywhere.
"For a while I think I'll just ravage the women that live down below, and maybe eat their babies for desert.

Mmmm, babies.

Battle

By alittlebitdarkorange and smname on February 2, 2004

Eleven cold years, and Montgomery hadn't forgotten.

Crackers McWafer knocked on Monty's door. "Go with your dead wife, straight back to the firey lands," Crackers screamed lung-canceringly.

"Oh, God," Monty thought.

The moment exploded in a moment. Glass eyeballs flew through the air towards the hairy dead woman as Crackers attacked with brutal telepathic force and ninja feet.

After 26 minutes the two warriors left because dusk was imminent and they were in need of proper Guidance.

"How long have you been hiding those glass eyeballs?" Monty asked.

Suddenly, God looked down upon his creations and said, "Women ruin everything."

Clouds

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on February 1, 2004

In a little shoreside castle lived a duckling named Gumps the Gorgeous. She danced nightly with twelve limber froggies and a tiny snail named Snail.

One morning Gumps went to the highest hill and looked for her favorite cloud. Snail came too.

It was a disappointing sight because the clouds were all muddled and you couldn't tell one from the other.

"Oh," said Snail, "How silly."

Gumps decided to go back to her castle and paint a picture of her cloud, so she picked a pink flower from the ground and tumblingly rolled down the hill.

"How silly," thought Snail.

Bird Souffle

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on January 19, 2004

One bird was flying over purple mountains and Timmy had to find his gun.

"BLAST," Timmy shouted. "I almost could've got dinner that had a beak and feathers."

Timmy jumped up a tree. "I'll get an elephant to take me up to the lake," Timmy thought.

Suddenly, the elephant saw Timmy and trotted to greet him. "Hey there Timmy, how did you get so tall?"

"Well, I saw a bird and knew I'd die if I didn't try to catch it."

The elephant plucked Timmy out of the tree with vigor. And the pair went galloping southwards toward bird souffle.