recent author's stories

showing all 25 stories written by bluesprinkles

That Last Rat

By bluesprinkles and alittlebitdarkorange on December 19, 2010

It was the wettest boat I had ever stowed away on. It poured down lemonade for 17 weeks and by the time it stopped my pants had the squishiest consistency of moldy bread soaked for 17 weeks in lemonade. Needless to say, my delight in citrus infused items caused me to scream freakishly at the rats when they tried to bite my 'buns'. I finally got off the wettest lemonadiest barge and wrung my pants out on 17 rats, drowning about 16 of them. "What do I taste like now I have lemonadeless nether-regions?" I screamed at that last rat.

Not in the Caves of Nickeldime

By bluesprinkles and alittlebitdarkorange on November 11, 2009

It boggles my mind that poor Ickbert survived the great balloon explosion of 1993. It was the most explosive balloon explosion of the decade, and Ickbert flew slowly out towards the supernova in a blaze of balloon lust and foolish flailing of limbs. His hair lit on fire when he breezed by the town oil refinery and his fiery locks brushed against a circus elephant that was inexplicably covered in petroleum.

Amazingly, Ickbert's flight trajectory didn't land him in the Caves of Nickeldime where the balloon ended up, but instead in a pit filled with jello and aftershave. How fortunate.

Italian Food

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on August 25, 2009

"Today was quite unusual," thought Marcus as he dunked another baby into the vat of thick marinara and licked his lips. The baby squealed with delight as its toes began to melt away with the pleasant sensation, but Marcus punched it in the fat face and kept plunging it deeper and deeper into the hot gurgling sauce until it drowned.

Marcus's favorite after dinner snack was Italian spiced baby and meatballs made from more babies. He normally ate them with puppy but today all he could scrounge was some stale bunny which needed seasoning.

Yes, today was quite unusual indeed.

Toothbrush Tales

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on September 24, 2006

There was nineteen hundred billion million times that Shreef ran around the village with a toothbrush on his belt loop. He enjoyed poking little animals and tickling townschildren with the bristly head.

His mother did not understand Shreef's predilection for molestation via toothbrush, but she acquiesced and bought him nine valuepaks of brushes weekly. Soon the pile of used toothbrushes got so smelly that Shreef's nose started to melt, so his mother cut his head off.

Later the townschildren went over to Shreef's house and ripped apart his decapitated body while throwing away all his toothbrushes. Shreef's mother was confused.

Mountains of Edibles

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on November 5, 2004

"Thank you for the enormous carrots and parakeet food," said Bilbosh the giant bunny like parakeet, as mountains of edibles poured onto his front lawn.

The sales horse whinnied and drove away with a grin and a secret. What Bilbosh didn't know was that the carrots had been seasoned with chocolate death poison acid sprinkles.

But what the carrots didn't know was that Bilbosh had already spent years fattening himself up on other goodies, and was not interested in noshing. His plan actually consisted of arranging pesky houseflies into rows, and stabbing their noses with carroty flashes of sweet JESUS.

Tukery

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on October 2, 2004

Turkeys have many practical uses. I personally know of only seventeen, all of which I recommend in my book, "Turkeys in Your Socks and Gravy in Your Eye; Why Did Old Men Choose Such Poultry Traditions and How Did This Silliness Ever Penetrate the Souls of the Poor Lower Class Hispanic Children of Turkey?"

My book is a sham because I'm only 12 years old and also I am a turkey, so obviously I'm unable to take an objective view on the sick practices that North Americans have adopted around my species.

If you have any problems, don't ask me.

Jelly and Horseradish

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on October 1, 2004

When Dorothy leaped into the vat of jelly, the villagers rejoiced and sang all night. Afterwards, they forgot about her and she cried until dawn.

The next day, Dorothy exploded.

The town gathered all of the entrails and made a decorative gooey piñata just for the hell of it.

This made Pedro very hungry, so he grabbed his fork and knife and dug a hole in the ground and speared a gopher and then smeared drippy horseradish all over its tiny toes. The smell of Dorothy wafted over, and Pedro's nostrils exploded with orgasm. He never tasted better gopher toes.

Food Bites

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on August 26, 2004

"Cheese and crackers!" called Franco to the busy Himalayan mountainside. It was too hot for selling snacks on that summer morning, but Franco needed a new mule to roam the countryside and spread happiness in the form of cheesy treats. None of the villagers or their cats were especially interested, so Franco threw a pointy cracker at the fattest cat.

"EAT THIS TASTY FOOD BITE" he yelled with furious deliciousness. The cat began to chomp the cracker but it tasted like feet so the cat ate Franco instead. The villagers rejoiced and later enjoyed a feast of fat cat struedel.

Marvin

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on June 30, 2004

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" cried Marvin Pancake as he leaped across the highway. A meteor brushed through his pants and flamed onto everything. In a flash, Marvin turned into a crispy M&M and flew alongside the meteor. Marvin held out a hand, groping for the edge of the meteor, but missed and exploded into fifty google PLEX piecies!

"OUCH!" said the people who watched him from balconies. "He exploded!!!!!"

And in twenty days, and twenty nights, the piecies reformed into Marvin!

The moral of the story is, "Don't let the meteor explode, flame, or graze your hiney, because piecies might be Marvin Pancake."

Cereal and Depression

By smname and bluesprinkles on March 15, 2004

"Gross," snapped Melinda, "Stop putting that nose in your chocolate cereal."

Gabriel took his face out of the bowl and grinned.

Standing up, Gabriel told Melinda that he would enjoy his birthday in two ways now. He pulled her close to his chest and whispered, "Please put the cereal away and come into the pantry." So, Melinda did as he asked her and ended her cereal fetish.

In the pantry, Gabriel prepared to fornicate. Surrounded by boxes of Lucky Charms and Life Cereal, the desire grew.

Melinda finally took a handful of Gabriel's antidepressants and overdosed.

Gabriel never smiled again.

Maurice

By smname and bluesprinkles on March 15, 2004

The day that he left the house made the month of horror finally end.

Maurice couldn't wait until he finally got garbage and vomited on everyone. When this happened, the neighbors cried and left Maurice alone sitting on the porch.

He did not leave the house ever, until one day when the milkman knocked on Muarice's door (and it broke the silence) that broke the silence. Maurice awoke and saw that vomit was everywhere and yelped at the milkman. "What???" called the milkman, "You are horrorific and should be banished from the kingdom." So, Maurice packed his vomit-case and left.

White Boys

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on March 7, 2004

Josephus skipped his history class and skipped his way to the zoo. First he bought three ice cream tigers, and one gumdrop toucan.

Bouncing into the place where you look at the polar fishies and swimming bears, Josephus licked his tiger twice and chomped his toucan contentedly."

"Yum," said the old white man who stared from the corner. "Give me a tiger."

Josephus laughed and walked awkwardly to the exit. "You will NOT get your treat from THIS small Catholic boy's fingers." He crammed the remaining tigers into his pants and fed the toucan to the polar fishies.

White boys.

The Mighty Earthqua-sizer

By bluesprinkles and smname on February 15, 2004

Now Fred and James could see how their actions led to such terrible earthquakes. When they had begun they never expected earthquakes. But times had changed.

Fred sat and pondered how earthquakes were resulting from their invention: The Mighty Earthqua-sizer. He stood on a beach, looking out at the earthquakes, pondering. "What a mess this is," he said to James. "I SUCK." "Yeah, you do," agreed James.

Out of nowhere, a giant cow appeared. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Fred called bovinely. The cow paid James the reparations which covered the earthquake induced destruction. "YOUR INVENTION IS DOOMED, " the cow mooed.

James said, "Crap."

Memory, in a Nutshell

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Yesterday I found two nutshells in my pants. I took one and threw it out. Then I picked the other one up and smoked it through a pipe. It tasted so good.

I wanted to have another but I only had the one, so I went outside and picked four more up from a tree that was running down the street.

Years went by and I couldn't get that darned image out of my head because it ran so fast that I could just barely get a glimpse of it.

Today though, I found these nuts in the garbage. Nice.

Off Marsha

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Everyone loved to party. It was time for a party. Yes, it was.

"MARSHA!" screamed Bartholomew at Marsha. "WHAT?!" screamed Marsha at Bartholomew.

"It's ten o'clock: We must leave and not party!"

"NO!" screamed Marsha, "We must PARTY."

Bartholomew died. "GOOD RIDDANCE!" yelled Marsha's mother. "Now you will party."

The party began to expand and exponentially spread to Bangkok, where the British army joined the party.

Then suddenly, the T-REX came and crashed into the mother, who smokes. She has only one minute to live. "COME! THE PARTY MUST GO ON!!!!!"

Then Bartholomew's extended family ate the hors d'oeuvres off Marsha.

Tiny Voices

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Floosh and Frongle went frolicking out through the doorway of Spirituality. They tripped. Fortunately, Frongle caught Floosh on the way down, and they landed safely on marshmallows. They said, "What was that? I don't know" simultaneously.

The marshmallows spoke: "Hey, Fellas, what's in your pockets?" Frongle said, "Oh, those silly things? Those are just women." "Women?!" said Floosh. "Obviously," said Frongle. "I suppose that they would agree" said the marshmallows.

Out of the pocket came 17 voices calling out for sanctuary. Frongle responded, "Shut up, tiny voices, get back in my giant pocket."

"This is a big marshmallow," exclaimed Floosh.

Crumpets and Buttercups

By tpname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Forever, buttercups will be growing amongst Clytemnestra's virgin flowerbed. "Man alive," states Clytemnestra. Fragrant flowers frolic around huckleberry leaves in the warm sunshine of mid winter.

"How do you do?" remarks the cobbler. "How is your shoe?" Sometimes he comes around just to give Clytemnestra some boots or stilettos.

Today, he brings crumpets and jam and cheese, so they sit and have a cute picnic in the flowerbed. Sun shines as the cobbler and his friend whisper to the little faeries among blades of grass.

Tomorrow, sunrise will bring a purplish glow to the yellow buttercups, and Clytemnestra will dance.

Corndogs

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

There once was a very friendly little maggot named Jose who traveled often. However, he died. This story is about a brother of his: Christopher.

Christopher loved corndogs. He ate them 13 billion times per hour and loved to digest them each one by one.

One morning Christopher yawned. Later, he ate his corndogs.

After years of this same routine little by little Christopher began to despise corndogs. Whenever he looked at one, he would cringe with cringedness. So, through years and years of extensive therapy, Christopher learned to like corndogs again. Then he exploded. The corndogs ate his soul.

All Things Purple

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Grapes. Purple, sweet, round.

"FREE THE FRUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" read the placard on the corner of Grape and Vine. Mauricious Van Dangle stared at the sign longingly. He pondered life and death and whether he should buy some. Entering the store, he began to sample a Swedish grape.

"HOLY MOTHER!" he cried, while shoving 500,000 more into his piehole. "THESE SWEDISH GRAPES ARE SO SOUR!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BURNING MY LARGE INTESTINE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mauricious exploded.

The next day, the sign read: "WARNING: THE SWEDISH GRAPES MAY MURDER! PLEASE USE CAUTION." Suddenly, a detective raced into the store and ate all things purple.

He exploded.

Catching Up With Mr. Jones

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

James Earl Jones was walking along the avenue with his puppy, Jones Earl James, when suddenly two gigantic gorillas hopped over the fence and kidnapped him. They took him back to the jungle where they built a shrine for Jones Earl James.

Huddling in a pile of tree bark and fungus, James Earl Jones and Jones Earl James and their captors had themselves a fungus-sandwich eating contest. "YUM!!" Said one of the giant Gorillas, "these sandwiches are fricking AWESOME!" James Earl Jones and Jones Earl James agreed that they were fricking AWESOME!

Then the apes let them return to shopping.

Noodilicious

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

A hot summer's wet noodle was sliding slowly across Stephon's driveway. He saw it from his kitchen window. "Behold!" exclaimed Stephon, "What noodilicious glory!"

Quickly, he ran outside, only to find his driveway COMPLETELY covered with PASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Stephon's face lit up with light as pasta rolled around his toes.
Giggling, Stephon laid a hand across some noodles. "We love you, Stephon!!" Cried an undulating noodle.

It climbed onto Stephon's shoulder and nudged his cheek. "Do you hear the noodles sing? Singing the song of angry men?" The wobbly noodle sang.

Hungrily, Stephon ate his arm off. It tasted good. Yum.

My Requiem

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

Saturday, we were going to go to the batting cages, but it exploded, so my dad said to me, "Son, you're getting fat, and sassy." "I am getting fat, Dad, but maybe that's how I'm made."

Sunday, my dad came up to my bedroom with a baseball bat and beat me.

Monday, I was thinking about asking my dad if we could try working out together, but I beat him up instead.

Tuesday, my cat, Mr. Bojangles, sat on my lap.

Wednesday, Dad and Mr. Bojangles took a coupon and went to the supermarket.

Thursday, I jumped off the roof.

Purgatory

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

Oysters are what everyone wanted that cold and quiet evening, but all we had was clams.

Wet, juicy, poisoned, yet delicious as jam on more jam, clams.

We never expected death.

After the death, I felt satisfaction, but wondered what else I could've eaten that might have given me an extra zing in the pants. But that's just the dream.

Now I'm in purgatory, and I haven't yet seen a single one of my fellow poisonees anywhere.
"For a while I think I'll just ravage the women that live down below, and maybe eat their babies for desert.

Mmmm, babies.

Clouds

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on February 1, 2004

In a little shoreside castle lived a duckling named Gumps the Gorgeous. She danced nightly with twelve limber froggies and a tiny snail named Snail.

One morning Gumps went to the highest hill and looked for her favorite cloud. Snail came too.

It was a disappointing sight because the clouds were all muddled and you couldn't tell one from the other.

"Oh," said Snail, "How silly."

Gumps decided to go back to her castle and paint a picture of her cloud, so she picked a pink flower from the ground and tumblingly rolled down the hill.

"How silly," thought Snail.

Bird Souffle

By alittlebitdarkorange and bluesprinkles on January 19, 2004

One bird was flying over purple mountains and Timmy had to find his gun.

"BLAST," Timmy shouted. "I almost could've got dinner that had a beak and feathers."

Timmy jumped up a tree. "I'll get an elephant to take me up to the lake," Timmy thought.

Suddenly, the elephant saw Timmy and trotted to greet him. "Hey there Timmy, how did you get so tall?"

"Well, I saw a bird and knew I'd die if I didn't try to catch it."

The elephant plucked Timmy out of the tree with vigor. And the pair went galloping southwards toward bird souffle.