recent author's stories

showing all 17 stories written by smname

Cereal and Depression

By smname and bluesprinkles on March 15, 2004

"Gross," snapped Melinda, "Stop putting that nose in your chocolate cereal."

Gabriel took his face out of the bowl and grinned.

Standing up, Gabriel told Melinda that he would enjoy his birthday in two ways now. He pulled her close to his chest and whispered, "Please put the cereal away and come into the pantry." So, Melinda did as he asked her and ended her cereal fetish.

In the pantry, Gabriel prepared to fornicate. Surrounded by boxes of Lucky Charms and Life Cereal, the desire grew.

Melinda finally took a handful of Gabriel's antidepressants and overdosed.

Gabriel never smiled again.

Maurice

By smname and bluesprinkles on March 15, 2004

The day that he left the house made the month of horror finally end.

Maurice couldn't wait until he finally got garbage and vomited on everyone. When this happened, the neighbors cried and left Maurice alone sitting on the porch.

He did not leave the house ever, until one day when the milkman knocked on Muarice's door (and it broke the silence) that broke the silence. Maurice awoke and saw that vomit was everywhere and yelped at the milkman. "What???" called the milkman, "You are horrorific and should be banished from the kingdom." So, Maurice packed his vomit-case and left.

Carnivorous sins

By smname and rsname on February 15, 2004

May lived where the flowers eat small children. Many times May witnessed this horrendous phenomenon, and wept silently. One day the flowers uprooted and went after May's baby.

In a bitter sorrow, May cradled the child. She drove her girl to Mexico where Chihuahuas mangled the corpse. Then May moved away to a pueblo where she wondered if her existence meant nothing, but then she had religion to twist her sense of revenge into self-righteousness.

She took a lawnmower back to her hometown and proselytized to each flower about their carnivorous sins. Then she mowed carnivorously, according to God's will.

Spank's Plot

By smname and etname on February 15, 2004

Every day, Gilgamesh would frolic to the middle of town. However, his parakeet, Spank, was never allowed to frolic. Rage flowed through Spank's feathery exterior.

"SQUAK! Why you horrible human monster!" Spank exclaimed. Gilgamesh didn't listen. He would frolic, silent and naive and silent. Gilgamesh's ignorance finally boiled enough over that Spank decided to plot murder. He secretly requested to borrow a hatchet from his buddy Alfred, and positioned it within vicinity of Gilgamesh's bed.

The hatchet was shimmering in the dawn's early dawning. Gilgamesh was lying asleep and unaware. Spank suddenly felt terrible and flew through town, to Purgatory!

The Mighty Earthqua-sizer

By bluesprinkles and smname on February 15, 2004

Now Fred and James could see how their actions led to such terrible earthquakes. When they had begun they never expected earthquakes. But times had changed.

Fred sat and pondered how earthquakes were resulting from their invention: The Mighty Earthqua-sizer. He stood on a beach, looking out at the earthquakes, pondering. "What a mess this is," he said to James. "I SUCK." "Yeah, you do," agreed James.

Out of nowhere, a giant cow appeared. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Fred called bovinely. The cow paid James the reparations which covered the earthquake induced destruction. "YOUR INVENTION IS DOOMED, " the cow mooed.

James said, "Crap."

Drift in the Wind

By smname and yxname on February 14, 2004

One man should know why Frederik decided to steal 50,000,000 balloons.

Years after the original plan, especially considering the circumstances, he returned from isolation at Mount Winnie. The superintendent of Mount Winnie made balloon animals. Frederik remembered the multitude of colors of giraffes, poodles and platypi, and suddenly had an urge to take a trip over Memory Lane.

Blueprints, dust, and parchment covered the wooden attic where his plan began its horror.

Trials later ensued that brought to justice the scheme's blueprint. Poor Frederik and his whistful balloons. If 50,000,000 were popped, what bombastic depression would fill voids in prisons.

Memory, in a Nutshell

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Yesterday I found two nutshells in my pants. I took one and threw it out. Then I picked the other one up and smoked it through a pipe. It tasted so good.

I wanted to have another but I only had the one, so I went outside and picked four more up from a tree that was running down the street.

Years went by and I couldn't get that darned image out of my head because it ran so fast that I could just barely get a glimpse of it.

Today though, I found these nuts in the garbage. Nice.

Off Marsha

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Everyone loved to party. It was time for a party. Yes, it was.

"MARSHA!" screamed Bartholomew at Marsha. "WHAT?!" screamed Marsha at Bartholomew.

"It's ten o'clock: We must leave and not party!"

"NO!" screamed Marsha, "We must PARTY."

Bartholomew died. "GOOD RIDDANCE!" yelled Marsha's mother. "Now you will party."

The party began to expand and exponentially spread to Bangkok, where the British army joined the party.

Then suddenly, the T-REX came and crashed into the mother, who smokes. She has only one minute to live. "COME! THE PARTY MUST GO ON!!!!!"

Then Bartholomew's extended family ate the hors d'oeuvres off Marsha.

Tiny Voices

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Floosh and Frongle went frolicking out through the doorway of Spirituality. They tripped. Fortunately, Frongle caught Floosh on the way down, and they landed safely on marshmallows. They said, "What was that? I don't know" simultaneously.

The marshmallows spoke: "Hey, Fellas, what's in your pockets?" Frongle said, "Oh, those silly things? Those are just women." "Women?!" said Floosh. "Obviously," said Frongle. "I suppose that they would agree" said the marshmallows.

Out of the pocket came 17 voices calling out for sanctuary. Frongle responded, "Shut up, tiny voices, get back in my giant pocket."

"This is a big marshmallow," exclaimed Floosh.

Corndogs

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

There once was a very friendly little maggot named Jose who traveled often. However, he died. This story is about a brother of his: Christopher.

Christopher loved corndogs. He ate them 13 billion times per hour and loved to digest them each one by one.

One morning Christopher yawned. Later, he ate his corndogs.

After years of this same routine little by little Christopher began to despise corndogs. Whenever he looked at one, he would cringe with cringedness. So, through years and years of extensive therapy, Christopher learned to like corndogs again. Then he exploded. The corndogs ate his soul.

All Things Purple

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 14, 2004

Grapes. Purple, sweet, round.

"FREE THE FRUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" read the placard on the corner of Grape and Vine. Mauricious Van Dangle stared at the sign longingly. He pondered life and death and whether he should buy some. Entering the store, he began to sample a Swedish grape.

"HOLY MOTHER!" he cried, while shoving 500,000 more into his piehole. "THESE SWEDISH GRAPES ARE SO SOUR!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BURNING MY LARGE INTESTINE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mauricious exploded.

The next day, the sign read: "WARNING: THE SWEDISH GRAPES MAY MURDER! PLEASE USE CAUTION." Suddenly, a detective raced into the store and ate all things purple.

He exploded.

Catching Up With Mr. Jones

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

James Earl Jones was walking along the avenue with his puppy, Jones Earl James, when suddenly two gigantic gorillas hopped over the fence and kidnapped him. They took him back to the jungle where they built a shrine for Jones Earl James.

Huddling in a pile of tree bark and fungus, James Earl Jones and Jones Earl James and their captors had themselves a fungus-sandwich eating contest. "YUM!!" Said one of the giant Gorillas, "these sandwiches are fricking AWESOME!" James Earl Jones and Jones Earl James agreed that they were fricking AWESOME!

Then the apes let them return to shopping.

Alfonso's Triumph

By alittlebitdarkorange and smname on February 4, 2004

The chord stricken by Alfonso was sickening.

Warm vibrations made audience members cringe like a group cringing.

Alfonso turned up his volume. "There! You people shall burn in Vobratto!"

At that picosecond, an egret sounded from the rafters and swooped down and ate Alfonso's soul.

People gasped, but the crazy egret didn't. "Listen to me! I will devour all of your faces OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly, ANOTHER egret climbed through the church chimney and shot the first egret with blinding speed.

Alfonso, soul-less, and with a sharp intuition, grabbed his mallet and smacked the second egret REALLY loudly with unquestionably strong Vobratto.

Noodilicious

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

A hot summer's wet noodle was sliding slowly across Stephon's driveway. He saw it from his kitchen window. "Behold!" exclaimed Stephon, "What noodilicious glory!"

Quickly, he ran outside, only to find his driveway COMPLETELY covered with PASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Stephon's face lit up with light as pasta rolled around his toes.
Giggling, Stephon laid a hand across some noodles. "We love you, Stephon!!" Cried an undulating noodle.

It climbed onto Stephon's shoulder and nudged his cheek. "Do you hear the noodles sing? Singing the song of angry men?" The wobbly noodle sang.

Hungrily, Stephon ate his arm off. It tasted good. Yum.

My Requiem

By smname and bluesprinkles on February 4, 2004

Saturday, we were going to go to the batting cages, but it exploded, so my dad said to me, "Son, you're getting fat, and sassy." "I am getting fat, Dad, but maybe that's how I'm made."

Sunday, my dad came up to my bedroom with a baseball bat and beat me.

Monday, I was thinking about asking my dad if we could try working out together, but I beat him up instead.

Tuesday, my cat, Mr. Bojangles, sat on my lap.

Wednesday, Dad and Mr. Bojangles took a coupon and went to the supermarket.

Thursday, I jumped off the roof.

Midnight Manatees

By smname and yxname on February 2, 2004

Once, when the night appeared silent, all manatees actually were sheepishly fox-trotting across Floridian escalators.

"Escalators?"

Yes.

Up skyscrapers and slippery star-scapes, googols of horizontalness and deities swam under watchful gargoyles. Heavenly gray bodies approached the point of confusion that collided harshly against their flippers.

"Staircase, where movement hurries lives, isn't your final dream," the gargoyles harrumphed, "Manatees are sea elephants, not meant to slip onto serrated escalators." The saddened manatees sank heavily back into their flubber lives, disappointed.

But suddenly, the escalators reached the stars, and cried, "FOLLOW YOUR LONELIEST DREAM AND FULFILL YOUR HEARTS DESIRE."

The manatees smiled.

Battle

By alittlebitdarkorange and smname on February 2, 2004

Eleven cold years, and Montgomery hadn't forgotten.

Crackers McWafer knocked on Monty's door. "Go with your dead wife, straight back to the firey lands," Crackers screamed lung-canceringly.

"Oh, God," Monty thought.

The moment exploded in a moment. Glass eyeballs flew through the air towards the hairy dead woman as Crackers attacked with brutal telepathic force and ninja feet.

After 26 minutes the two warriors left because dusk was imminent and they were in need of proper Guidance.

"How long have you been hiding those glass eyeballs?" Monty asked.

Suddenly, God looked down upon his creations and said, "Women ruin everything."